August 22nd will mark 2yrs since my divorce. I was with the same man for 16 years. What does this mean? My marriage failed but over the years I have had a chance to not only learn more about how we BOTH contributed to the failure, but able to talk it out, learn more about ourselves, move on and....*GULP* DATE AGAIN.
In learning about OURSELVES we learn our likes and dislikes when we get back out into the dating scene....because we've been there, done that. But guess what? You aren't the only one. The men that come into your dating life, are deciding the same things when they meet you too.
I will admit that when I got back out into the dating scene, it was met with a LOT of resistance. i went on a few dates, tried the dating site thing, learned a lot. I truly
believed still believe, that the RIGHT one will fall into our laps. Not literally...but at the right time, God will place THE BEST person for you. Not the PERFECT one, but the one FOR. YOU. And if our spiritual eyes are opened, and we are paying attention...we won't miss it when he presents himself.
So in the meantime, your hardened heart has softened, and you may be ready to date. And even ready to start anew a long-term relationship. I won't go into what we need to know about ourselves.. in this segment. What I want to do now, is to save you from confusion, games...and even heartbreak...Even though it is 2014, the same stupid games are still played by men...just like our high school days. And age does not matter. It is just a number. Maturity level is where it's at. Women, we are not out of the woods either, but THIS is about the men.
So while you are enjoying the dating scene, and you meet a potential and may THINK he is the 'ONE'...here are some tried and true signs he does NOT want to go any further than a good time at the moment: Some are easy to spot, some are very, very subtle, and you may not realize it until you become in tuned to the person, and with yourself.
He keeps his cell phone attached to him like white on rice. - Most people have cell phones. Fact. Most people text. Fact. Everyone practically keeps it on them. Fact...but even a phone user will put the phone down, away, leave it be when not in use or in the presence of someone he's into. But if he keeps his phone near and dear to his heart, not just to take a dump, but to pee. Holds it captive during sleeping hours, keeps you from seeing the screen even if you are innocently walking by without regards, strategically makes SURE you don't see a thing (and thinks you don't notice but you do)...he's hiding something. Don't make any excuse for it. TRUST. He wants somebody else too.
He only shows affection in private. - You're out and about. You're enjoying the atmosphere, the people, the place..sitting down together doing nothing at a park, sitting at a friends house, looking over a pier, at the movies...skating with love songs playing...anything that would trigger a NORMAL couple to do anything from a peck on cheek, holding hands, a hug, a love tap, squeeze shoulder, some kind of physical touch. But he doesn't do those things. Only when you're in bed. Girl, men like affection just like women do. Don't get it twisted. If he doesn't do ANY kind of touch,
he DON'T want your ass.
He does not look at you or flirt with you. - What do you mean Keisha? Have you been
around a person you're into, or into you? What do you do? You are
always looking longingly at them..when they pass by you, you by
them...when you enter the room in their presence. Sometimes you do it on
the sly, so do they. Their eyes usually lights up, or looks up to make
direct eye contact...if you are taken by each other, the eye contact
will last...a few seconds longer. You may even blush. If he is not into...those things will not happen. PERIOD. Only when he's conversing with you.
His female friends won't know who you are to him. - One of those unspoken rules, is if a man has close female friends, its only right to introduce you to them. Ya'll don't have to be buddies suddenly...but that gesture alone will let you know he is serious about you. He wants you a part of his world and to meet the people important to him, male AND female. But if he's calling you his 'friend' when you KNOW you guys are more than that...or you hear about these women but haven't met ANY of them. Red flag. Take heed.
He don't want your ass.
...As a matter of fact, he still entertains them - I don't know about ya'll but that's a deal breaker. Anyone can say anything now days. But actions always trumps words. But if he has a string of exes...1 or more..and they still want him, and he DOES NOT set them straight out of respect for you, and the relationship you two are building, run and run faster..the opposite way. They could be his 'just in case' you two don't work out. These women could also be chasing him, and he...likes it. Whatever the story with them, he's not ready to give them up...and he's not THAT serious about you...keep your options open, because
he don't want your ass.
Having sex? Not really? Hmmm... - If you two have decided to go down this road I URGE YOU...to do it with extreme CAUTION. I have been with someone where the chemistry is off the chain. If you have experienced it, its unexplainable. Men are visual and they are also horndogs, for lack of better words. They love sex. lol It is what it is. When they are into the one they are with, they want it. All the time. Anytime. (except during sports season). Any opportunity arises, there they are ready to go at it again...if he is into you. You don't even have to do much to get him aroused. Or do the 'thing' you know 'gets him going'. If you are in his presence...and you go, 2, 3, 4 or more days and he is not trying to get it...he don't want your ass. Now...to be fair..some men may not have a high sex drive. Some may suffer from a dysfunction...
BUT even if that's the case, they will show you physically in other ways in the bedroom. I won't go into rated R...but if he is not reciprocating...or not touching you at all...or not trying...or shows zero interest...he's not attracted to you physically/sexually.
He don't want your ass.
No acknowledgement - You Don't know WHO you are: So you guys have been dating for a while...you have decided to be 'exclusive'...but yet will not call you his woman, his lady, his 'boo', girlfriend, his special one...or anything that indicates he's all about you and him, he don't want you like that. When couples become serious its because they both are on the same page, and even looking at going to the next relationship level. Have you ever met anyone who said they were just a friend and then went from friend to wife? Somebody's lying and, really...it should be friends, courting (officially together) and then marrying if that's what you want. If you are together, YOU WILL KNOW. There will not be doubt. He doesn't have to announce it to the world, but those who know you both will know you two are a couple. You will need to have that talk. If he addresses you as friend, 'biz colleague' 'lady friend' or even worse 'cousin'...RUN.
FAST.
He doesn't even BLINK when he sees you being sexy. No compliments. - Again, men are visual. Have you ever put on something cute? And got compliments? Or dressed sexy for him because you love to look that way for him? When you do he either: stops in his tracks, does a double-take, start talkin' naughty, intimate things, tells you, stare, a lot of non-verbal stuff goin on. So, you put on sexy music, light candles, wear stilletos, you wear fishnets, wear his fave t-shirt, a button down shirt to reveal little cleavage, a summer dress, your skin is soft, you smell great...and he says and does...NOTHING..NO..REACTION.
He don't want your ass.
You pour your heart out. He pours...well...himself a drink maybe. - I don't have to tell you what you already know.
COMMUNICATION IS EVERYTHING. Now when we understand the language between men and women...women love to talk. And talk. Annnd talk some more. Men? Say a lot in very little words....but when you have a man that's into you? He STILL won't talk as much as you, BUT he WILL express himself. Don't believe the okey doke.
HE WILL. If you are constantly trying to figure it out, and you are expressing your feelings, and you are addressing concerns, and letting him know how you feel, repeating yourself, and talking, and talking, pretty much fending for yourself, talking TO yourself ...and he does not reciprocate at all...(I'm not saying he will say I love you)..he does not communicate in return, does not shut down any concerns, doesn't have dialogue in the area you are pouring it out, he's avoiding what he really wants to say. He ain't that into you and he don't wanna hurt your feelings...he may want to let you go, but not ready to do quite give THAT up yet either. So he'll appease you in other ways to keep from having any 'talk' with you
about you both.
Follow your instinct.
DON'T IGNORE THE SIGNS. Some of ya'll won't believe me, but if you ask...and keep your spiritual eyes open, GOD WILL REVEAL stuff to you BEFORE you get in too deep with whoever you date. You WANT to know He's giving you HIS BEST. If not, TRUST He will let you know before it's too late. It is up to you to be obedient, even if everything 'seems' to be going GREAT at that time stuff is revealed. Do not tread lightly on it. You want so bad the idea of that person, that you are in denial when they do the opposite...you continue to hang around thinking if you show them your awesomeness long enough they will come around. The wrong one will never get it. Sorry, he will not come around, no matter what you do.
RUN before it's too late and thank God you listened. lol
You can be the top Queen B of them all...you see how beautiful Halle Berry and many other celebs that get cheated on are...you can do everything and be a good thing to him...if he don't want your ass, not into you, or not ready to give up the games, his options, the single life...
ALL OF THOSE THINGS YOU DO FOR HIM WILL NOT MATTER.....
YES...even cooking for him 6 times a day...or being a freak..it will lengthen the time he deals with you for a spell...but most people can't live a lie forever if they are any kind of human being...and everything starts to break down.
So women...save yourself the trouble...date. HAVE FUN. Date different types. Don't give your all to someone when they are showing signs that they don't want what you have to offer. Keep your options open...the right one for YOU, again, not the PERFECT one...will put in work. You will know it.
He will go out of his way to make you his. He will scream from the rooftop you are his. He will be PROUD to call you his woman...(some) will want to show you off...he won't get enough of you, even though you may not fully understand why...he will want to protect you and do everything to make you smile. He will give you compliments, won't want to keep his hands off you, he will call you consistently to no end, he will want to hang out with you more than normal. It ain't about money but if you are hurting, he will come through for you...he may even buy some stuff for you...just because. He remembers tiny details.. You will catch him looking at you in that 'way'. Intimacy is not just about SEX with him...when you do have sex (if you decide to go there) it will be a deeper connection than penetration. He will pray WITH you...he will embrace and love God with you, he will challenge you to be the best you, .HE WILL TAKE THE TIME TO LEARN YOU and who you are and what makes you tick. He will keep you close to his heart just like he would his mother and/or daughters if he has them. And he does these things because he WANTS to, and WANTS you. You won't have to GUESS whether or not he wants your ass!
I can speak on it because I have been on both ends. I have dated/been in relationships with both types. The best advice I got is not to shut yourself out from love. It may be a hard pill to swallow at first. Take it as a grain of salt. Keep dating...or not. Enjoy you. Be HAPPY. Love YOURSELF. Each relationship or dating experience is helping you prepare for 'the one' AND will help you smell BS a mile away before you see it. Never compromise YOU..let go of the anger once you realize there's NOTHING wrong with YOU. At the right time...the right one WILL want your ass. :) :)
